Saturday, May 3, 2008

That Girl...

"There's something bout this girl --
from around my way.
Ever try to hold back your feelings --
but it just wouldn't stay?
But when I finally found the words to say...
I wanted to run away. Simply run away..."

So I met this girl a while back [beginning of freshman year in college] -- heard she was interested in me but I never really read into it. Wasn't blind to the fact, just didn't really care. Back then, my mind was split in every which direction so returning the interest -- or even letting her know I was slightly interested in her as well -- was beyond me. I had too much on my plate, and felt that even looking her way would only add to the strife. So I didn't. Paid her as little attention as I possibly could and watched as she ran into the arms of some other dude. Jealous? Nahh. Couldn't have been -- it just wasn't me. I hadn't known her for that long so I be damned if I let some female who I'd only known for a matter of weeks get the best of me. Uh Uh. Never that. So I let her go -- had even stopped speaking, and had even developed a bit of distaste for her.

Normally, I aint one to catch feelings. Been in a number of shortlived relationships that could be described as nothing more than gatherings of sexual pleasure. With NO emotion. Just me and her for the moment. And though living a life like that could at times be exhausting, I felt secure. Comfortable. I knew that I wouldn't have to worry about falling in 'love', buying cheap valentine/christmas/and birthday gifts, or spending my hard earned money spoiling some broad that I barely got along with. Outside the bedroom, that is. And any possibility of such thoughts emerging in my mind, I'd shun quickly. Revert to the way I was before allowing myself to be too consumed in finding a girl that I could settle down with -- at least for a time.

Well. She came back. Sort of. And even though I told you that I never looked her way; I did. Everytime she walked by. Everytime I consciously made the decision not to speak to her -- I regreted it. After all, she had done nothing to me. And could I blame her for moving on to another dude so abruptly after 'claiming' she was interested in me? Tryna see what I'm about? Nahh. Cause if I was in her situation I woulda probably done the same. Whatever. I aint going to dwell on something so simple -- but I just couldn't understand why she [of all the girls that had ever been 'interested' in me] intrigued me the most. Only time would tell. And eventually, it did --

They say when you're drunk, you're more likely to express yourself. Drunken words are sober thoughts. Yeah -- that bull shit. Well one night while chillin at a friends crib, I ran into her. And yes, I'd been drinking, and she had been drinking, hell, everyone had been drinking, so something was likely to go down. And did it?! Long story short, she ended up sharing with me and a few others how unhappy she was with the dude she had been with. Something bout him putting his hands on her [but I won't go into all that, that's they business]. But what was funny about it was that I cared. I actually gave a damn about her well-being which had come as a shock to me. Shit, I wouldn't have minded confrontin ol' dude and lettin him know how I felt bout it, but I didn't. I was a freshman in college, not high school -- so the fighting game wasn't as serious to me now as it was then.

ANYWAY. So I decided to step in, and that night we talked a lil bit about it -- and somehow we ended up kissing. It wasn't the first time, so I'd been acquainted with the taste of her lips. My homeboy at the time [I'll refrain from any other term for now] later explained that I had taken up the role of "Captain Save-A-Hoe" [yeah I know, what kinda ignorant shit?] by being their for her. By the bruises on her arm, I trusted her words when she told me and the others that she'd been trapped in a compromising relationship with a guy that was apparently threatening to her. I'd like to think that she wasn't lying, cause after all, I hate lying. But then again, she'd been under the influence of alcohol so it was quite possible that her words had been misconstrued. What was funny to me was that the dude had been calling her all night long only for her to deny and reject his phonecall. Either he was really worried -- or dat nigga was crazy. I aint know him like that though, so I wouldn't judge him.

Everyone basically told her the same thing ... "try and get out of it/leave him alone/run away girl!" and she looked at me and swore up and down that she would -- said only she needed some time. I nodded in agreement as Mario's 'Crying Out for Me' played on the stereo in the background. Irony? Maybe. Whatever the case was, I'd spoken my peace. Offered her a way out. But realized that sometimes, in threatening situations you must save yourself before calling for help just to see if you could handle it.

Days to weeks later the girl returned, and so had her 'interest' in me. She actually told me that it had never left -- but she figured since I paid her no mind the first go-round, she saw it as me giving up which lead her to her involvement with ol' dude, or whatever. I'd known a lil bit about her history or whatever so I immediately labeled her a dependent just as soon as she tried to get with me. I aint know what I was doin -- but it was instincts. Was I protectin myself from any risk? I'd just watched my brother's relationship with his 'girlfriend' of two-years crumble within a semester, witnessed my homegirl and her nigga fight and argue, break up and make-up and then break-up again within days, and it just seemed like everybody who had been in love, or in a relationship couldn't be happy for NOTHIN. So part of me blamed her dependency for not wantin to immediately jump in a relationship with her, but another part of me realized that perhaps I wasn't ready for one... hell, perhaps I wasn't made for one... or even worse, perhaps I was runnin from the thought of even bein in one after seeing what it did to the ppl I cared about.

I admited that maybe - just maybe - I caught feelins for this girl after swearin I wouldn't. But everybody do it at least once in a lifetime and you a damn lie if you think otherwise. A DAMN LIE [and I hate liars -- stop lyin to yourself!]. So she and I had been 'talking' [if you wanna call it dat] for a minute and I swear to god aint no girl ever made me so mad about lil shit -- yet flattered me as much as she has. We've been back and forth, around the corner, up and down, and spinnin in circles already and we aint even in a relationship! We just 'friends'... ha. She has dreams of bein more -- but me -- well iono. Im still on the line of not wanting to risk it, and taking the risk. You only live once. The bad thing is her parents have even formed opinions about me and I've never even met them [and trust me, dey opinions aint good ones]. They think the complete opposite of me, which is fine because I'll continue to do me regardless [cause ppl are goin to form opinions of you whether you like it or not -- move on]. I'll give it to her. She a good girl, a damn good one, but I can't be worried about this and that everytime we go thru something. I aint used to it. But it's somethin about ha... that girl.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have come this far.

"You can try to run and hideit won't make a difference --
You can lie to yourself of the reason --
Sure it hurts when it comes to your attention
that you're in love with that girl..."

Lyrics from "That Girl", by Pharell Williams ft. Snoop Dogg

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